TARKIR - An investigation/robbery by Jeskai authorities this week discovered that Sarkhan Vol's dragon obsession is balancing on a dangerous precipice after his budget was found to have allocated funds for Dragon Girl Bathwater. "He's a dragon half the time which is neat,…
Jeff interviews Ffej Netrig, CPA and soon-to-be-felon about some light financial crimes he did on behalf of his client.
Nearly a dozen fans of Final Fantasy and Magic: The Gathering were seen protesting outside of the headquarters of Square Enix this morning.
"Nobody is listening to me when clearly I know what's best. It's like they're in denial about the obvious danger they're in. How do you live like that?"
Other restrictions include only playing Tovolar on a full moon, Talrand at high tide, and Liliana never because he's afraid of intimacy.
The company assigned the task of psychological torture to the Modern Horizons team due to their expertise in the field.
A handful have even sought out bed frames crafted from Modern Horizons 3 cards to enjoy the sensation of getting railed.
OPPONENT'S BATTLEFIELD - Salmon & beloved father to thousands Phillip Sherman has raised concerns over the unfair treatment of his family while other animals get to be people. We caught up with the protesting patriarch while he fertilized a riverbed full of eggs in the nude. "What, everyone who goes…
The bipedal pavement sculptor who wandered in front of traffic is presumed to have had amnesia for the 86th time and forgot what crosswalks are.
The British Army has received support from swaths of American citizens clamoring for a return to fascist monarchic rule for some fucking reason. This fervor has the current British Monarch they still have for some reason feeling absolutely giddy.
MOX MANIA - A new, not-at-all shocking report finds that that dude you played against with a precon over a decade ago has never forgiven you for Counterspelling his commander. Dude Berrywidth is currently 29 years old. In the time since your fateful casual…
Cephalids perfectly capture what I love about life in general. No matter how worthless the people in your life make you feel, you can find a home.
PISA, Italy - This week's Paupergeddon tournament should have been a safe haven for those penniless Magic players Welcome to the Black Parade was talking about. Instead, it's become an ideological battleground as 'Pro-Lifers' swarmed en masse to protest the preemptive banning of Cranial…
“It happened to my girlfriend too but that was after her god damn skin turned inside out. She didn’t leave it in her back pocket with her keys.”
She proceeded to gush “Oh my god I can’t believe you’re using Dragon Shields, you are so brave. If I were playing with those, I'd be sooooo embarrassed.”
Wizards was concerned that any other option would result in messages from guys with anime girl profile pictures saying “I’m not racist but…”
He believes that tutors are unhealthy for the format, Universes Beyond is bad, and that maybe WotC designs too many cards for Commander.
The stats don't lie: If someone thinking about trying the game is shown a Dungeon Descent, they're 70% less likely to become involved.
Organizers recruited Sid Blair, the most talented buttcrack inspector of his generation, to sniff out dirty plays then pull them out root & stem.
Let’s all touch Harold’s gross-ass Android phone that hasn’t been cleaned since 2018! Who cares what else he uses it for?
The heist was all going according to plan before the crew started copying five different Ocean's movies as well as one Agent Cody Banks.
They made some way too self-deprecating jokes nobody laughed and the group just kinda sat there in uncomfortable silence.
The "Tap Land Slasher" has racked up a body count of seventeen while leaving terrible calling cards that really should have been upgraded by now.
Company spokesman Norm L. Guy released a statement denying the accusions while an ominous, glistening liquid oozed out of his eyelids.
For skeletons, I use the person whose face I saw every day for years. The beautiful, ethereal face I see leering into my blackened heart every time I close my eyes…
Commander enthusiast Melanie Grayson made the decision today to scrap her 2011 Mimeoplasm deck and wanted to make their last day together a good one.
"I was gonna run hatebears, but then I realized that'd involve considering my opponents' point of view and I'm really not up for that right now."
We can't see Dr. Manhattan's junk, but right on the main character's face clear as day is my dad sucking my mom's toes.
