LEAST SMELLY LGS IN TOWN - A tense scene was defused this morning after a player who said they were playing Omnath clarified that they meant Omnath, and not Omnath, Omnath, Omnath or, god forbid, Omnath. After reverting back to mono green now that pride month's over, Omnath and their…
Tragedy struck at a local board game night when an attendee murdered the vibe. The culprit, Larry Fisher, was witnessed asking multiple other guests when they were going to start playing board games, interrupting an otherwise idyllic game night of drinking and discussing Love Island.
Don't harass anyone you fucks. This is a satirical, exaggerated article. The folks behind a silly card game show are not horrible people I intend to personally destroy. I just don't like ads 🙁 What was originally thought to be a bug caused the…
Renton, WA - With Final Fantasy officially hitting stores this month, it's time to immediately dive into spoiler season for future product launches! And what could satiate a shareholder's unquenchable thirst for profit more than us speculating wildly about an entirely new card frame and mechanic from the upcoming Edge of Eternities…
Midgar, Gaia - Tensions grew across the multiverse today as President Shinra the ruling Shinra Electric Power Company issued a surprise 145% tariff on Magic: the Gathering booster packs. This unpredicted tax draws Gaia into the ongoing multiverse trade standoff in a way that this reporter can only describe as…
Even with MSRP returning, Magic: the Gathering prices are still extraordinarily high and rising with the insane hype around the upcoming Final Fantasy set. This reporter sat down with concerned Magic player Ffej Netrig to talk about prices, finance, and other less-expensive hobbies. How long have you been playing Magic: the Gathering?…
With wedding season and tariff season coming at the same time this year, brides, grooms, and bride-grooms all over the United States are feeling added strain on their wedding budgets. Our newly self-proclaimed Style Section writer Jeff Girten sat down with a soon-to-be-bride, "Jenny," to discuss how she's getting clever…
Denver, CO - Dungeons & Dragons has seen a tremendous surge in popularity over the past five years. Going from an activity groups of nerds did huddled in their mother's basement to something groups of nerds do at game stores, bars, and apparently even in sold-out arenas all over the world…
In a surprise collab you didn't know you needed, Dungeons & Dragons has released a new Therapy Edition in partnership with BetterHelp. This new "never-ending campaign" costs $250 per session and allows players to explore the dark depths of their personal trauma. In a sneak preview, this reporter was able to see…
MAIN PHASE 2 - A 1/1 human token's understanding of reality crumbled today after being used to pay for the cross-dressing Cloud version of Clever Concealment caused them to feel all tingly inside. "When I look at them, I get this weird fuzzy…
Renton, WA - Just weeks after promising no more non-emergency Commander bans this year, Wizards of the Coast announced today that Dockside Chef has been banned retroactive to September 23, 2024. New WotC press secretary Karoline Banitt released a brief statement on the banning:…
Self-proclaimed financial genius Ffej Netrig is certain he's identified a way to consistently outperform the stock market: something he's calling his "Warhammer 401k." That's right, Mr. Netrig has invested all $2,300 of his life savings into wargame miniatures. "With all this turmoil rocking the stock market every day, I tell…
TARKIR - An investigation/robbery by Jeskai authorities this week discovered that Sarkhan Vol's dragon obsession is balancing on a dangerous precipice after his budget was found to have allocated funds for Dragon Girl Bathwater. "He's a dragon half the time which is neat,…
COLUMBUS, OH - Hearts were not shattered this morning when the notorious Dockside Extortionist was denied appeal for banlist parole after serving six months of a life sentence. "What we're really worried about is recidivism." Said an unnamed board member who definitely isn't Ragavan in a fake mustache. "The card's…
Unelected Tarkir clan leaders have asked for lists of five things clan members have done recently to fight dragons.
Jeff interviews Ffej Netrig, CPA and soon-to-be-felon about some light financial crimes he did on behalf of his client.
A local Republican congressman is under fire after mistakenly including Asmoranomardicadaistinaculdacar in a chat discussing highly-classified information.
Regularly confused man Tatum Groy was overjoyed to hear the news that an upcoming Universes Beyond set is the last one Wizards will produce.
Nearly a dozen fans of Final Fantasy and Magic: The Gathering were seen protesting outside of the headquarters of Square Enix this morning.
"Nobody is listening to me when clearly I know what's best. It's like they're in denial about the obvious danger they're in. How do you live like that?"
Trett Betten reports live from the field on his seemingly unending search for Fblthp! We go live to him now, knee deep in an Ikorian swamp.
Other restrictions include only playing Tovolar on a full moon, Talrand at high tide, and Liliana never because he's afraid of intimacy.
The card has drawn criticism for being overpowered. Senior staff in R&D were told it was fine by Playtesting, but they were all of them deceived.
Donald Trump, managed to explain the oft misunderstood Magic: The Gathering mechanic "banding" during a recent town hall event.
The local Commander enthusiast currently holds his Magic collection in a duct-tapped Khans of Tarkir fat pack dripping with an unknown fluid.
"At this point I'm getting frustrated, since that's two lands in a row and I needed literally any other card to start reading his fortune."
The company assigned the task of psychological torture to the Modern Horizons team due to their expertise in the field.
When approached for comment, Garfield (the person, not the cat) described how the offer initially bemused him, as he is no fan of lasagna.
