LEAST SMELLY LGS IN TOWN - A tense scene was defused this morning after a player who said they were playing Omnath clarified that they meant Omnath, and not Omnath, Omnath, Omnath or, god forbid, Omnath. After reverting back to mono green now that pride month's over, Omnath and their…
Don't harass anyone you fucks. This is a satirical, exaggerated article. The folks behind a silly card game show are not horrible people I intend to personally destroy. I just don't like ads 🙁 What was originally thought to be a bug caused the…
MAIN PHASE 2 - A 1/1 human token's understanding of reality crumbled today after being used to pay for the cross-dressing Cloud version of Clever Concealment caused them to feel all tingly inside. "When I look at them, I get this weird fuzzy…
TARKIR - An investigation/robbery by Jeskai authorities this week discovered that Sarkhan Vol's dragon obsession is balancing on a dangerous precipice after his budget was found to have allocated funds for Dragon Girl Bathwater. "He's a dragon half the time which is neat,…
COLUMBUS, OH - Hearts were not shattered this morning when the notorious Dockside Extortionist was denied appeal for banlist parole after serving six months of a life sentence. "What we're really worried about is recidivism." Said an unnamed board member who definitely isn't Ragavan in a fake mustache. "The card's…
Other restrictions include only playing Tovolar on a full moon, Talrand at high tide, and Liliana never because he's afraid of intimacy.
The company assigned the task of psychological torture to the Modern Horizons team due to their expertise in the field.
A handful have even sought out bed frames crafted from Modern Horizons 3 cards to enjoy the sensation of getting railed.
OPPONENT'S BATTLEFIELD - Salmon & beloved father to thousands Phillip Sherman has raised concerns over the unfair treatment of his family while other animals get to be people. We caught up with the protesting patriarch while he fertilized a riverbed full of eggs in the nude. "What, everyone who goes…
The bipedal pavement sculptor who wandered in front of traffic is presumed to have had amnesia for the 86th time and forgot what crosswalks are.
The British Army has received support from swaths of American citizens clamoring for a return to fascist monarchic rule for some fucking reason. This fervor has the current British Monarch they still have for some reason feeling absolutely giddy.
Cephalids perfectly capture what I love about life in general. No matter how worthless the people in your life make you feel, you can find a home.
PISA, Italy - This week's Paupergeddon tournament should have been a safe haven for those penniless Magic players Welcome to the Black Parade was talking about. Instead, it's become an ideological battleground as 'Pro-Lifers' swarmed en masse to protest the preemptive banning of Cranial…
She proceeded to gush “Oh my god I can’t believe you’re using Dragon Shields, you are so brave. If I were playing with those, I'd be sooooo embarrassed.”
Wizards was concerned that any other option would result in messages from guys with anime girl profile pictures saying “I’m not racist but…”
The stats don't lie: If someone thinking about trying the game is shown a Dungeon Descent, they're 70% less likely to become involved.
Organizers recruited Sid Blair, the most talented buttcrack inspector of his generation, to sniff out dirty plays then pull them out root & stem.
"I don't know what a Chernobyl but I'm pretty sure this was worse than that. Commet was DCI Banned for two weeks, and I will never forgive myself."
Let’s all touch Harold’s gross-ass Android phone that hasn’t been cleaned since 2018! Who cares what else he uses it for?
The heist was all going according to plan before the crew started copying five different Ocean's movies as well as one Agent Cody Banks.
If you cast Conquer on a Plains that just so happens to be sitting sort of near someone else who’s already using it, that was clearly unclaimed territory and thus perfectly legal.”
The "Tap Land Slasher" has racked up a body count of seventeen while leaving terrible calling cards that really should have been upgraded by now.
Company spokesman Norm L. Guy released a statement denying the accusions while an ominous, glistening liquid oozed out of his eyelids.
We paid the .39 cents, that means we get to do whatever we want to them. If I want to reveal them from my turn one hand and out them publicly I should be allowed to. My deck, my rules.
Commander enthusiast Melanie Grayson made the decision today to scrap her 2011 Mimeoplasm deck and wanted to make their last day together a good one.
"I was gonna run hatebears, but then I realized that'd involve considering my opponents' point of view and I'm really not up for that right now."
We can't see Dr. Manhattan's junk, but right on the main character's face clear as day is my dad sucking my mom's toes.
They keep catering to this casual format, when they should be catering to literally nobody. That's how they made the Reserved List, and that's how they should make everything.
