LEAST SMELLY LGS IN TOWN - A tense scene was defused this morning after a player who said they were playing Omnath clarified that they meant Omnath, and not Omnath, Omnath, Omnath or, god forbid, Omnath. After reverting back to mono green now that pride month's over, Omnath and their…
Don't harass anyone you fucks. This is a satirical, exaggerated article. The folks behind a silly card game show are not horrible people I intend to personally destroy. I just don't like ads 🙁 What was originally thought to be a bug caused the…
Renton, WA - With Final Fantasy officially hitting stores this month, it's time to immediately dive into spoiler season for future product launches! And what could satiate a shareholder's unquenchable thirst for profit more than us speculating wildly about an entirely new card frame and mechanic from the upcoming Edge of Eternities…
Midgar, Gaia - Tensions grew across the multiverse today as President Shinra the ruling Shinra Electric Power Company issued a surprise 145% tariff on Magic: the Gathering booster packs. This unpredicted tax draws Gaia into the ongoing multiverse trade standoff in a way that this reporter can only describe as…
With wedding season and tariff season coming at the same time this year, brides, grooms, and bride-grooms all over the United States are feeling added strain on their wedding budgets. Our newly self-proclaimed Style Section writer Jeff Girten sat down with a soon-to-be-bride, "Jenny," to discuss how she's getting clever…
Denver, CO - Dungeons & Dragons has seen a tremendous surge in popularity over the past five years. Going from an activity groups of nerds did huddled in their mother's basement to something groups of nerds do at game stores, bars, and apparently even in sold-out arenas all over the world…
In a surprise collab you didn't know you needed, Dungeons & Dragons has released a new Therapy Edition in partnership with BetterHelp. This new "never-ending campaign" costs $250 per session and allows players to explore the dark depths of their personal trauma. In a sneak preview, this reporter was able to see…
Renton, WA - Just weeks after promising no more non-emergency Commander bans this year, Wizards of the Coast announced today that Dockside Chef has been banned retroactive to September 23, 2024. New WotC press secretary Karoline Banitt released a brief statement on the banning:…
Jeff interviews Ffej Netrig, CPA and soon-to-be-felon about some light financial crimes he did on behalf of his client.
Nearly a dozen fans of Final Fantasy and Magic: The Gathering were seen protesting outside of the headquarters of Square Enix this morning.
"Nobody is listening to me when clearly I know what's best. It's like they're in denial about the obvious danger they're in. How do you live like that?"
The card has drawn criticism for being overpowered. Senior staff in R&D were told it was fine by Playtesting, but they were all of them deceived.
The company assigned the task of psychological torture to the Modern Horizons team due to their expertise in the field.
A handful have even sought out bed frames crafted from Modern Horizons 3 cards to enjoy the sensation of getting railed.
The bipedal pavement sculptor who wandered in front of traffic is presumed to have had amnesia for the 86th time and forgot what crosswalks are.
The British Army has received support from swaths of American citizens clamoring for a return to fascist monarchic rule for some fucking reason. This fervor has the current British Monarch they still have for some reason feeling absolutely giddy.
MOX MANIA - A new, not-at-all shocking report finds that that dude you played against with a precon over a decade ago has never forgiven you for Counterspelling his commander. Dude Berrywidth is currently 29 years old. In the time since your fateful casual…
“It happened to my girlfriend too but that was after her god damn skin turned inside out. She didn’t leave it in her back pocket with her keys.”
She proceeded to gush “Oh my god I can’t believe you’re using Dragon Shields, you are so brave. If I were playing with those, I'd be sooooo embarrassed.”
Wizards was concerned that any other option would result in messages from guys with anime girl profile pictures saying “I’m not racist but…”
He believes that tutors are unhealthy for the format, Universes Beyond is bad, and that maybe WotC designs too many cards for Commander.
The stats don't lie: If someone thinking about trying the game is shown a Dungeon Descent, they're 70% less likely to become involved.
Organizers recruited Sid Blair, the most talented buttcrack inspector of his generation, to sniff out dirty plays then pull them out root & stem.
"I don't know what a Chernobyl but I'm pretty sure this was worse than that. Commet was DCI Banned for two weeks, and I will never forgive myself."
The heist was all going according to plan before the crew started copying five different Ocean's movies as well as one Agent Cody Banks.
They made some way too self-deprecating jokes nobody laughed and the group just kinda sat there in uncomfortable silence.
The "Tap Land Slasher" has racked up a body count of seventeen while leaving terrible calling cards that really should have been upgraded by now.
For skeletons, I use the person whose face I saw every day for years. The beautiful, ethereal face I see leering into my blackened heart every time I close my eyes…
