Satire

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Jon Ruggiero • July 7, 2025

Washington, D.C. - Along with announcing that there is no evidence of wrongdoing in the Epstein flight logs, the Department of Justice released a memo "confirming" that Magic: The Gathering's Reserved List also does not exist. The Reserved List was designed to make certain early Magic cards unable…

Jeff Girten • June 24, 2025

New York, NY - This author was given very real, totally legitimate early access to the new Arena version of the Pick-Two draft format unveiled at MagicCon: Las Vegas, but immediately ran into an issue with the format: No matter what I selected as my first card, the auto-drafter would automatically…

Jon Ruggiero • June 22, 2025

Shelton, CT - In a new partnership with game maker Wizards of the Coast, sandwich shop Subway has announced promotional footlong Magic: The Gathering cards. The cards, 8 and a half inches longer than normal Magic cards, are part of a trend the company has been leaning into the past…

Jeff Girten • June 18, 2025

Renton, WA - With the release date for Magic: the Gathering's upcoming space themed set, Edge of Eternities, edging ever closer, excitement is building for MtG fans around the world. But, before we get the long-awaited release of this new, core IP set, Commander's Herald has some unfortunate news, Wizards of the Cost has decided…

Jeff Girten • June 16, 2025

New York, NY - Self-proclaimed aspiring MtG Pro Ffej Netrig was rudely awakened at the early hour of 2PM this past Saturday by the chanting of tens of thousands of protesters outside his basement apartment. Their cause: protesting kingmaking in Commander evidently. "I was shocked," says Netrig, "to hear so…

Naomi Krause • June 15, 2025

Don't harass anyone you fucks. This is a satirical, exaggerated article. The folks behind a silly card game show are not horrible people I intend to personally destroy. I just don't like ads 🙁 What was originally thought to be a bug caused the…

Jon Ruggiero • June 12, 2025

Los Angeles, CA - During the unrest caused by their very organization, an ICE Agent stopped at local game shop Freedom's Banner Collectibles to play some games of Magic: The Gathering's Commander format. The agent, whose identity was obscured the entire time they were in-store, was in town on undisclosed…

Jon Ruggiero • June 10, 2025

Washington, D.C. - Proving why people question his position in the federal agency, the Senior Chief of Staff for The Federal Emergency Management Agency, Clancy Gumblemann, revealed in a meeting that he thinks Hurricane is a blue Magic: The Gathering card. The confusion possibly…

Jeff Girten • June 8, 2025

Renton, WA - With Final Fantasy officially hitting stores this month, it's time to immediately dive into spoiler season for future product launches! And what could satiate a shareholder's unquenchable thirst for profit more than us speculating wildly about an entirely new card frame and mechanic from the upcoming Edge of Eternities…

Jeff Girten • June 2, 2025

Midgar, Gaia - Tensions grew across the multiverse today as President Shinra the ruling Shinra Electric Power Company issued a surprise 145% tariff on Magic: the Gathering booster packs. This unpredicted tax draws Gaia into the ongoing multiverse trade standoff in a way that this reporter can only describe as…

Jeff Girten • May 31, 2025

Even with MSRP returning, Magic: the Gathering prices are still extraordinarily high and rising with the insane hype around the upcoming Final Fantasy set. This reporter sat down with concerned Magic player Ffej Netrig to talk about prices, finance, and other less-expensive hobbies. How long have you been playing Magic: the Gathering?…

Jeff Girten • May 25, 2025

With wedding season and tariff season coming at the same time this year, brides, grooms, and bride-grooms all over the United States are feeling added strain on their wedding budgets. Our newly self-proclaimed Style Section writer Jeff Girten sat down with a soon-to-be-bride, "Jenny," to discuss how she's getting clever…

Jeff Girten • May 21, 2025

Denver, CO - Dungeons & Dragons has seen a tremendous surge in popularity over the past five years. Going from an activity groups of nerds did huddled in their mother's basement to something groups of nerds do at game stores, bars, and apparently even in sold-out arenas all over the world…

Jeff Girten • May 13, 2025

Renton, WA - Just weeks after promising no more non-emergency Commander bans this year, Wizards of the Coast announced today that Dockside Chef has been banned retroactive to September 23, 2024.  New WotC press secretary Karoline Banitt released a brief statement on the banning:…