Gainesville, FL--A local friend group has been pushed into unfriendly discourse as debate rages over which Intellectual Property the new Magic the Gathering set is from. "I started playing for Final Fantasy and I recognize Sonic the Hedgehog, but when I saw the new previews for Edge of…
After receiving a vague text from his friend a local man is unsure if he's agreed to play the party game Coup or if he's agreed to aid in a plan to overthrow the United States Government. Daniel Inada enthusiastically answered his friend Korrina…
After a surprisingly messy series of leaks became plastered across several subreddits, Wizards of the Coast took to social media to reassure Magic players that the complete and total release of Edge of Eternities would still be enjoyable. In a statement posted on X, Wizards stated "Although these unexpected leak…
LEAST SMELLY LGS IN TOWN - A tense scene was defused this morning after a player who said they were playing Omnath clarified that they meant Omnath, and not Omnath, Omnath, Omnath or, god forbid, Omnath. After reverting back to mono green now that pride month's over, Omnath and their…
Washington, D.C. - Along with announcing that there is no evidence of wrongdoing in the Epstein flight logs, the Department of Justice released a memo "confirming" that Magic: The Gathering's Reserved List also does not exist. The Reserved List was designed to make certain early Magic cards unable…
Atlanta, GA - According to a report from The Weather Channel, numerous Dark Depths around the country have quickly lost their ice counters due to the recent US heat wave. The hotter weather, also felt around the world, has inversely affected Magic: The…
A local Dungeons and Dragons party has remained divided about who the campaign's BBEG (Big Bad Evil Guy) is. This division was expected to disappear after the last session, which featured King Frump sending a squadron of death knights to suppress a group of…
Toledo, OH - Local card scalper "Honest" Craig Airgap recently went online to declare his disappointment when purchasing a box of cards for resale purposes. Airgap recently purchased two different "Crazy Ed's Mixed-Up Box of 'Magic' Cards" looking to open the boxes and sell the cards for profit.
Tragedy struck at a local board game night when an attendee murdered the vibe. The culprit, Larry Fisher, was witnessed asking multiple other guests when they were going to start playing board games, interrupting an otherwise idyllic game night of drinking and discussing Love Island.
Bloomington, IL - In a surprising update during MagicCon: Las Vegas, Wizards of The Coast revealed that legendary vehicles and upcoming legendary spacecraft can be used as your Commander. In an even more surprising turn of events, insurance companies around the country have announced an increase in all vehicle insurance…
New York, NY - This author was given very real, totally legitimate early access to the new Arena version of the Pick-Two draft format unveiled at MagicCon: Las Vegas, but immediately ran into an issue with the format: No matter what I selected as my first card, the auto-drafter would automatically…
Shelton, CT - In a new partnership with game maker Wizards of the Coast, sandwich shop Subway has announced promotional footlong Magic: The Gathering cards. The cards, 8 and a half inches longer than normal Magic cards, are part of a trend the company has been leaning into the past…
Renton, WA - With the release date for Magic: the Gathering's upcoming space themed set, Edge of Eternities, edging ever closer, excitement is building for MtG fans around the world. But, before we get the long-awaited release of this new, core IP set, Commander's Herald has some unfortunate news, Wizards of the Cost has decided…
New York, NY - Self-proclaimed aspiring MtG Pro Ffej Netrig was rudely awakened at the early hour of 2PM this past Saturday by the chanting of tens of thousands of protesters outside his basement apartment. Their cause: protesting kingmaking in Commander evidently. "I was shocked," says Netrig, "to hear so…
Don't harass anyone you fucks. This is a satirical, exaggerated article. The folks behind a silly card game show are not horrible people I intend to personally destroy. I just don't like ads 🙁 What was originally thought to be a bug caused the…
Los Angeles, CA - During the unrest caused by their very organization, an ICE Agent stopped at local game shop Freedom's Banner Collectibles to play some games of Magic: The Gathering's Commander format. The agent, whose identity was obscured the entire time they were in-store, was in town on undisclosed…
Washington, D.C. - Proving why people question his position in the federal agency, the Senior Chief of Staff for The Federal Emergency Management Agency, Clancy Gumblemann, revealed in a meeting that he thinks Hurricane is a blue Magic: The Gathering card. The confusion possibly…
Renton, WA - With Final Fantasy officially hitting stores this month, it's time to immediately dive into spoiler season for future product launches! And what could satiate a shareholder's unquenchable thirst for profit more than us speculating wildly about an entirely new card frame and mechanic from the upcoming Edge of Eternities…
Washington, D.C. - United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. released a video claiming that Teferi's Protection is detrimental to a "good and healthy Magic deck". This stunning declaration flies in the face of accepted ideas about how…
Midgar, Gaia - Tensions grew across the multiverse today as President Shinra the ruling Shinra Electric Power Company issued a surprise 145% tariff on Magic: the Gathering booster packs. This unpredicted tax draws Gaia into the ongoing multiverse trade standoff in a way that this reporter can only describe as…
Even with MSRP returning, Magic: the Gathering prices are still extraordinarily high and rising with the insane hype around the upcoming Final Fantasy set. This reporter sat down with concerned Magic player Ffej Netrig to talk about prices, finance, and other less-expensive hobbies. How long have you been playing Magic: the Gathering?…
In our ongoing reporting on the loneliness epidemic among low-level Dungeons and Dragons miniatures, we talked to a kobold mini who hasn't been taken out of storage in over a year. The tiny plastic figure belongs to dungeon master Elizabeth Morello, whose party is…
Redmond, WA - In a move many marketing experts are claiming as "forward-thinking" and "genius", Wizards of The Coast today announced a set of Magic: The Gathering: Universes Beyond cards based on the new hit RPG Clair Obscur: Expedition 33. Instead of designing new cards, though, Wizards is just producing…
With wedding season and tariff season coming at the same time this year, brides, grooms, and bride-grooms all over the United States are feeling added strain on their wedding budgets. Our newly self-proclaimed Style Section writer Jeff Girten sat down with a soon-to-be-bride, "Jenny," to discuss how she's getting clever…
Denver, CO - Dungeons & Dragons has seen a tremendous surge in popularity over the past five years. Going from an activity groups of nerds did huddled in their mother's basement to something groups of nerds do at game stores, bars, and apparently even in sold-out arenas all over the world…
Renton, WA - Thanks to a boom in the collectable items market, a recently fired Hasbro employee is trying to get money for his Beckett-graded firing notice. Clay Richmond, former sales manager for Wizards of the Coast, was fired for cause after being caught stealing Magic: The Gathering product, but…
MAIN PHASE 2 - A 1/1 human token's understanding of reality crumbled today after being used to pay for the cross-dressing Cloud version of Clever Concealment caused them to feel all tingly inside. "When I look at them, I get this weird fuzzy…
Renton, WA - Just weeks after promising no more non-emergency Commander bans this year, Wizards of the Coast announced today that Dockside Chef has been banned retroactive to September 23, 2024. New WotC press secretary Karoline Banitt released a brief statement on the banning:…
